I think I was involved in a serious accident as a child and blocked it out. Really.

I recently bought my annual pre-summer tanning package so I can hit Lake Washington in a few months without blinding my fellow boaters, and not look so lobster-esque after a few hours in the sun. While I love being tan, one unfortunate side-effect is that it highlights the fact that I have a lot of little scars. On my hands, arms, legs; a result of being a scab-picker and incredible clumsy child.

So the other day I get out of the shower, and I’m checking out my tanning progress and I notice all these little white spots across my ribs, starting under my left boob and extending down across my left side. Hundreds of little scars. What the fuck? I mean, they’re not gross or disfiguring or anything, they actually look kind of cool. I just want to know how this happened. Did I fall off a swing and skid across the gravel? Pecked at by a flock of crows? Am I a leper in remission? Or are they just rare albino freckles?

It’s probably the result of a particularly itchy patch of Chicken Pox, but I kind of wish I had a cool war story to explain it.