2008

I want to run away. I want to drive to New York or Chicago or Nebraska or pick a spot on the map and...

Seattle summers are so rad. (I didn’t notice the guy...

I’m unemployed. And for a bull-shit reason and I was framed.I mean, technically, I’ve...

I had an epiphany today.

I’d just like to take this moment to say a very special Fuck You to my printer, which decided...

Buzzed.

I just spent over $25 on energy drinks at 7-Eleven. I have to pull an all-nighter tonight. I work a...

Another Capitol Hill Stabbing

I think I was involved in a serious accident as a child and blocked it out. Really. I...

Craig: So I was reading through Crystal's copy of Cosmo in the back on my break and there was this whole article with tips on how to "Drive your Man Crazy in Bed." This one guy said he loves it when women speaks a foreign language and how one time this one girl would scream out "Mucho Gusto" and it was so hot.
Me: "Much Gusto" means "Nice to meet you!"
Craig: I KNOW!
Me: Personally, I like to conjugate verbs.

I accidentally punched a girl  in the side of the head on the bus this morning while trying to put...

I just discovered the most amazing thing ever: Frozen Pop Tarts. Fuck the toaster, man. Life’s so...

“I love you because you drink in the middle of the day!”
— Teresa, who I just realized...

Finally added to my star tattoo! Also, it was fucking...

I think it's called Karma

I bussed it down to the U-District today to get my tattoo touched up. Unfortunately, they were...

On school and vomit.

It’s the first day of Spring Quarter. My Sociology teacher looks like a composite of Mr....

There was a little boy running rampant through my store today. His name was Seymour and he liked...

“What?! Mom took you to buy pants?! Dad told me on the way to...”
— Kyle, on when he got...

Global Rich List

I was going through a box of old photos and mementos when...

…I also found this picture of my brother. Who, despite...

IT’S THE CLAW! Ah hah hah. I’m not exactly sure...

I helped Julie re-arrange her apartment this evening. I also...

Happy Easter!

It’s time for my favorite Easter Tradition: Blowing up Marshmallow peeps in the...

If it has a hood I don't want it.

I was talking to my friend and former co-worker Tyler today and he alluded to David Lask. Holy shit!...

I love noticing little details in pictures. Like this gem....

Remember that Wal-Mart cashier? What was...

I hung out with my 17-year-old brother Kyle today. We decided to call our mom’s suburban the...

Small world?

My mom called me tonight to tell me that the Regional Vice President of my company is in town. I...

“Woah, I’m as sticky as a turkey on Sunday morning!”
— My 7-year-old brother Skyler,...

“I want to go to New York and see a tornado!”
— My 7-year-old brother Skyler,...

The mole lets out a terrible roar. The...

Last night I walked to Arby’s. I really wanted some curly fires and the restaurant had also...

This is redonkulous! PB&J is probably one of the easiest...

My dad had a car-phone mounted to the...

The other day, as I sat staring out the bus window at the dreary suburban landscape on my way to...

Where we're going, we don't need roads.

I only like daylight savings time because it’s the closest I’ll ever get to time...

Poked

I got my nose pierced a couple nights ago. It’s hella cute and didn’t hurt a bit. But...

...where I can cut loose and be on my...

Remember Discovery Zone? That place was seriously bad-ass. I always used to get stuck at that one...

It’s the simple things in life that make me happy. Like seeing someone I went to high school...

In celebration of Valentines day, I stopped by the liquor store on my lunch break and purchased a...

Things I learned on my 21st birthday

 -The Washington State department of Licensing does not accept major credit cards. -I may need...

Probably one of the coolest presents I’ve ever...

Found Photos

He was a Cherokee Indian but he looked...

AN OPEN LETTERTO GERALDO RIVERA,WHO WITNESSED ME GETTINGFIRED FOR STEALING A CHERRYDANISH TWO...

"So...your references, I can call them,...

I had the most awkward job interview today for a Sales Manager position at Joe’s Sports (née...

Classic Movie Allusions are Quite...

Me: “Play it, Sam.”
Kyle: “What?”
Me: “That’s from Casablanca, you know, Sam...with the piano.”
Kyle: “Yeah, I know. Are you trying to be that creepy guy?”
Me: “What? He’s not creepy, he’s just a black guy.”
Kyle “Not Sam, the guy who’s all like ‘yyyyeesss.'”
Me: “I think you’re thinking of that guy from Treasure Island. It’s not ‘Boss dee plane,’ it’s Casablanca, 'ya know, Rick. Rick’s American Café.”
Kyle: “Yes I know Casablanca! There’s Nazi’s! The creepy little guy shoots the Germans!”
Me: "No, you're thinking of Indiana Jones, like, the guy who gets chopped up in the plane."
Kyle: "NO! That's in Casablanca!"

Me: "How do you even get by..."
Kyle: "I STEAL!"

“You know, a muslim someday is gonna come in here and blow up...”
— Pants Guy of the Ave, on being...

O'Coco's Organic Chocolate Crisps

This was published on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency circa fall 07, although slightly edited....